Someday I may actually write a book about myself called, ” The life of the loser who failed”

because I have been failing so much lately still can’t even get a job and it’s been months since I started.  I got an email today from the Japanese embassy stating that I would not be nominated.

I wonder what it would feel like to actually win? The last time I won something was just one scholarship among a lot of others that I applied to. I didn’t really feel that happy because as I submit it, I felt that I would win. Not to confuse not feeling happy with being grateful, I was so grateful. I didn’t have that same feeling of sure success when it came to the MEXt. Actually…I felt sure failure, but tried to cover it up. That was why I never called in the consulate, asking whether I passed or not, I wanted to hope that they silently nominated me and I just didn’t know. (I kinda felt a good vibe as I applied for a position at the library, but that could have been a fluke)

There have been two other big failures weighing me down now. One is this pre-wedding party that I attended and took photos, Well, I sent the photos through dropbox accompanied with a question and i never heard back. I’m terrified that they didn’t like it because I would honestly give the money back.

The other was during the festival I sent pictures of(not as a job or volunteer)  I was asked for the pictures and stuff so I sent it in but I never heard back either. My friend did.

I wasn’t even thinking about these failures until one came and triggered the rest. It’s not all a fail in my life, but now due to the trigger, it’s all I can remember.

The positive thing is that I have more room to discover new opportunities and prepare to apply for a the MEXT Graduate scholarship. I’m not done with trying to get into Japan meanwhile, as an undergraduate. This sounds like the typical stuff sad people say, to stay motivated.

I’m actually not as sad as for not being nominated, I’m more sad because of the failure if that makes sense. One of the things I was worried about , had I won the scholarship, was my family. Just the other day I came home late from studying and my mom and siblings we’re like,

“We need you!” (help with their homework.)

I wasn’t sure how I would help them from Japan, probably through skype, but we all know how efficient that is.*cough* bad *cough* Video/sound *cough* quality (at least on my device, I’m not sure about everyone else’s)

Anyways, I think I mentioned it but I’ll mention it again, I have my eyes one a few upcoming things that could possibly get me into Japan this summer. I’m not sure if I should mention it and thus increase my competition (as if I cared about that. I inform people about all sorts of things even if it meant they would end up competing with me). Since these blogs of mine usually only gets, like…3 views at most if I’m lucky, I won’t have to worry about that. I still got to look into that program I found a bit more to understand it better. It’s got something to do research in the summer.

If you were wondering why I continue blogging, (If you’re one of the 3 viewers that’s actually curious) Blogging is 95% for me. It it were meant for the public, I wouldn’t have let loose on how I actually felt. I want to look back from my cozy place in Japan and laugh at the troubles I went through just to get to Japan. If it were 100% just for me, I would have poured my heart and soul out online making them private. I’m holding back a little because of you three viewers, who I really think are spies, not that I got anything to hide. I treat my internet self as though it were really me there, I’m not one of those people who think they’re free to do anything on the internet and get away with it.

Anyways, writing this up really lift my mood. I guess I’ll give the book about my life another title. How about, “The life of the winner, who kept loosing?”

Why not? I really do think I’m like that powerful super hero who’s  powers haven’t developed, but the power is there, just don’t know how to tap into it.


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